Updated: Jun 7, 2020
Do you find yourself constantly looking for love?
If you are—stop!
Why? Because your relationships—with your family, friends, co-workers, partners, and more—aren’t lost like treasure or a set of car keys—and they’re not to be found, either.
They’re supposed to be created!
We don’t find relationships—like we’d find a nugget of gold—and we can’t go out looking for a relationship, either—like you would with diamonds.
Instead, we make relationships, we create them.
We start with raw materials, learn to separate the good from the bad, and then we do our best to forge that relationship, doing everything we can to purify it and shape it into the form that makes the most sense for us.
Think about a diamond in its raw form—it’s just a rock, right? It’s not until you cut them, mold them, and care for them that they begin to shine. Relationships are the same way.
We need to polish relationships and take care of them. We’ll value the relationships in a uniquely special way because we invested the time, effort, and made the sacrifices for it.
If we simply find an object that we don’t invest time in or expend effort on attaining, it’s likely going to cause us to take it for granted. If we don’t have a hand in it or take part in it, then it’s not our relationship to have in the first place.
We deserve things when we earn them, right? Relationships are the same way.
We can’t force gold to be something it’s not, we can’t turn lead into gold, and we can’t make a diamond shine without putting in the effort. In the same way, we can’t force a relationship into a mold it won’t fit, no matter how badly we want to!
Translation? We can’t take a bad, unhealthy relationship and turn it into a good one if it won’t fit that mold.
Unlike gold, diamonds, and treasure, relationships are living, breathing, and evolving. You’re an integral part of that—you’re not just an observer.
Relationships shape you—treasures, gold, and diamonds, are little more than accessories to be worn, viewed, and admired. Overall, they serve you and a function. Relationships are different—they don’t exist to be your servants.
Just as you shape your relationships, they shape you, too.
What’s Wrong with the “Finding a Relationship” Sentiment?
The idea that you can find a relationship leads to the misunderstanding that
a) There’s no work or preparation that goes into it.
b) Once you’ve found it, you’re done. There’s nothing more to do.
Even with searching for treasure, gold or diamonds, there is preparation and hard work. Remember that saying “failure to plan is planning to fail?” That more than applies to relationships.
Think about finding your keys. The idea behind this is that you can find the keys because you had them in the first place—they were waiting to be found. You could only find them because they existed there in the first place, regardless of you! Then, once you find them—that’s it. You’re done. You accomplished your task.
Do you see how that’s different from a relationship?
Relationships must be planted, cultivated, and nurtured constantly. This is a never-ending process that continually evolves every day—if anything, it’s like growing a garden.
From time to time, you’ll have to clear the weeds, protect it from harm, and nurture it every day.
In that same analogy, you have to understand your relationships for what they are—you wouldn’t plant tomatoes and expect roses to bloom, would you? If you plant a friendship, expect a friendship—don’t expect it to turn into an intimate relationship.
Ultimately, it’s important to recognize that we don’t stumble into relationships and find the perfect one. We don’t stumble into friendships, or jobs, or careers—we don’t look under a rock and miraculously find a partner.
We make friends. We craft careers. We become partners.
You must be a friend to have a friend, you must be dedicated to a cause to have the passion required for a career, you must be intimate to have intimacy.
“Darlin’ if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.”
Seals and Croft
You are half of all of your relationships.
Consider These Points
Remember, you’re not the only person out there who might be thinking this way—who might be trying to look and find a relationship. But, if two people want something that they could just find anywhere—that they’re not actually a part of—then who is making the relationship a mutually beneficial bond?
And further, if relationships are something you just find, like property, what’s stopping you from stealing someone else’s relationship? Or worse—what’s to stop someone else from your stealing your relationship?
Challenge the Looking
This week’s challenge is for you to look at and evaluate some of your own relationships—past, present, and future.
Ask yourself some important question, like
Were you the treasure or the treasure hunter?
Do you want to be just another shiny object, a trophy, or the explorer?
Is this really the relationship you’re looking for?
Why look for a relationship when you can create a relationship?
Don’t forget to let me know what you figure out – the good, the bad, and the ugly. That’s what we’re all here for—to learn, understand, and grow.
Good Together: Your Guide to happy, healthy relationships
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