When thinking about when it’s acceptable to break up via text, we begin with “long distance relationships.” Let’s face it, you’re half broken up already. You are rarely seeing each other and barely able to share your lives with one another. No one is going to travel hundreds, or even tens of miles just to tell the other person that the semi relationship is finally over so that you can now both move on and start to live your lives.
Then there is the matter of the anticipation of manipulation. It is about emotional hostage taking. This is a form of abuse, or at least a precursor to it. These are the people who care only for themselves with no regard for others. They aren’t concerned with you, your needs or your wants. The fact that you want to break up for whatever reason is irrelevant to them. They are unreasonable and irrational. This makes dealing with them even in good situations burdensome, and in bad situations unbearable.
And finally, there is the fear of retribution, be that verbal, or physical. When dealing with people who have the tendency or prospect of becoming violent the best course of action is self-protection. There are valid reasons to distance oneself from another person when having to deliver what will be unwelcome and unwanted information.
No one owes anyone else an explanation for their feelings. No one needs to receive the permission of another person to end a relationship.
You shouldn’t expect the other person to be happy with the situation. Breaking up is typically uncomfortable and upsetting. It raises questions about the person and the relationship that most people would prefer not to have to deal with. In addition, breaking up via text adds insult to injury. It is certainly a more detached way to approach such a serious decision. However, there are times and situations when it is for the best.
In any case there are elements that every significant interaction should have. As upset as you may be with the situation at the moment, it is important to remain calm. As much as you might like to lash out, it really won’t be beneficial. Anger doesn’t make things better. You may feel, or believe, that being emotional will be a catharsis, but it won’t be. Rage only works to generate more rage. It isn’t as though there is a limited amount of that resource, and that by letting it out you will get rid of it because you won’t.
Be respectful. After all, at one point in time the two of you both agreed to be in this relationship with each other. Just because that has now changed doesn’t mean that there is some need to treat each other disrespectfully. You already have the upper hand, as this is the close of this relationship, on your terms.
Remember that texting is meant to be brief. This isn’t the time to write a novel about your past relationship or your current feelings. This isn’t the time to litigate all of the things that transpired in the past in your relationship. This isn’t when you are building a case for what went wrong, or why it is that you feel the need to end the relationship.
Be clear and specific in your communication. Don’t leave any room for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. Too often in an attempt to spare the feelings of others, in what we believe to be an act of politeness, we end up leaving the door cracked open. This gives the other person the illusion that there still may be a chance at reconciliation, even when there isn’t.
This break up is your idea, and from your perspective. For that reason, when writing out your text, use “I” phrases, “I feel …,” “I believe…,” “I need…,” “I want….” The use of “you” comes off as accusatory. Avoid, “I think…,” since people tend to see this as an opening to a debate, as though it is simply an opinion.
You could say something like “I have decided to end this relationship with you. Please be respectful of me, and my decision. I wish you well in your future.”
You may add, “Thank you for the good times that we had together,” but only if you are sincere about it.
Notice that there are no excuses, no “it’s me, it isn’t you,” no false attempts at making the other person feel good about a bad situation, “this is for the best.” This is not a “bid for attention.” This isn’t about seeking remorse, “I need you to tell me you are sorry.” This is the act of moving on with your respective lives, free and clear.
Once you have feelings of breaking up, just do it, don’t torture yourself and everyone around you with indecision. The fact that you are questioning the relationship, and having doubts about your situation, should be enough to confirm the inevitable.
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